“Buh Bye Baby.”

Dear Knox,

I’ve said a lot of goodbyes in my day. Before you were born, I lived in a different city every year for 5 years, and had to say bye to a lot of good friends as I moved away. Not to mention the tears that come when we have to say bye to your grandparents, aunts and uncles every time a visit comes to an end. Seeing the way you love them makes it all the more difficult. 

But none of those goodbyes compare to having to say goodbye to you 2 weeks ago. [Now, I know a lot of other mommies and daddies have had a lot harder goodbyes to babies that are in heaven, or other loved ones who have gone to be with Jesus, but this was still a very difficult goodbye for me.]

Two weeks ago I said “buh bye,” [as you like to say it,] to you, my sweet boy. As my only child. As my only baby. As my only little buddy. I said “buh bye” to you, knowing that the next time I saw you, you would be a big brother, and you would be sharing my heart with another little boy. 

You may have noticed the past couple months have been emotional for mommy, with lots of tears shed, and hugs lasting longer than normal, and extra kisses throughout the days. 

You see, becoming a mommy was something I dreamed about since I was a little girl, my love. And being your mommy has exceeded every hope, dream or expectation I could’ve had. You have made me so happy, and being your mommy has been one of the biggest highlights of my life. Your sense of humor, even at such a young age, makes me laugh so hard. The way you know exactly what makes me crack up, and we go back and forth laughing and laughing for what seems like hours. I never knew the amount of love I could have for another person until you came along, my dear boy.

[Don’t worry though, I haven’t forgotten about Daddy! To see the way your face lights up when he walks in the house makes me so happy! You have one incredible Daddy, and I love watching your relationship grow every day.]

So you see, when the thought of having another baby entered my mind, I would experience both excitement and dread. I knew how much happiness and joy another child would bring our family, and I knew how amazing it’d be for you to have a sibling. But I also knew that bringing another baby into the world would mean a big change in our relationship. It wouldn’t be “just us” anymore. It wouldn’t be just us against the world.

But God knew better, and He surprised Daddy and me one day last spring with the realization that ready or not, you’d be getting a little brother or sister! As the baby in my belly grew bigger, [and you started saying “beebee” more and more,] I found myself becoming sad. Oh I was so thankful for the blessing God had given us in the new little life coming, but I really started to grieve my special relationship with you. 

You see, I knew once your little brother came along, that you’d be spending a lot more time with Daddy. I’d have to take care of your baby brother in a way that Daddy can’t, and in turn, Daddy would be the one to play with you. You’ve been such a mama’s boy the past months, and I honestly didn’t want to lose that. I loved how you loved me. You’d always want me when you’d get hurt, and when you’d wake up from your nap each day, there wasn’t anyone else you’d want to snuggle with while watching “the ducks.” [Mickey Mouse Clubhouse.] I knew that would probably change over the next few months as a new little boy entered the mix. 

Something called “mom guilt” was happening in Mommy’s heart, and even though I knew in the long run you’d be fine with the transition, my heart hurt for the change in our relationship. Thankfully, lots of Mommy’s friends had experienced the same emotions, and encouraged me by reminding me that you knew I loved you, and this change would be a good one! 

And then the day came that Mommy’s doctor said I needed to have your baby brother or else I’d get really sick. I cried because I hadn’t even said bye to you that morning. You see, you cry much harder when I leave if I make a bigger deal about saying bye, so I snuck out so you’d keep on playing with Mimi, not knowing I’d be staying in the hospital overnight to have your baby brother. But luckily Mimi could bring you to the hospital so I could say “buy bye” to you my baby boy. 

You came into my room, and you were so confused as to why I was in a bed, hooked up to machines. But once you realized you could climb up and sit with me it was all good. You showed me all your Mickey Mouse characters, and ran around the room, saying, “go!” as you’d run and flop onto the couch. 

And then came time for you and Mimi to go home so Mommy could focus on your baby brother’s arrival. In that moment, I was so sad, but I knew it’d be ok. Yes, our relationship would change. No, it wouldn’t be just us anymore. But it would be better. It would be you and your brother against the world, and I’d get to watch you grow up as best buddies. You would always hold a special place in my heart as the little boy who made me a mommy, but knowing how much I fell in love with you at first sight, I knew all I had to do was lay eyes on your little brother and my heart would explode with love. Being a big brother would be so good for you, and as hard as it was for me to watch you walk out the door that day, I knew what came next would be an exciting new chapter in our lives. 

So I said “buh bye” to you, my sweet only child, my first buddy, my first little love. I told you how the past 2 years had been an amazing adventure, and one I’d never forget. But I also told you that I couldn’t wait to experience what this next chapter would look like, as you took on a new role, big brother to this sweet new addition to our family. 

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You’ll always be my baby, no matter how old you get, no matter how many little brothers and sisters you may have. No matter how big you get, and whether or not you fit in my lap anymore. Whether or not you want me to sing you lullabies before falling asleep, and whether or not reading a book and saying our prayers before bed is something we do together every night. You’ll always be my baby. No matter what. Never forget that. 

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Buh bye baby, tomorrow you’ll be a big brother. And I’ll love you forever and for always my sweet, sweet boy. 

Love,

Mommy

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