If you are friends with me, or have read most of my past blog posts, you may have heard (or read) me say that a few years ago I was convinced I would never get married. I really did think that I was going to have to get past my hatred for cats, because becoming an old crotchety cat woman was in my future. (But let’s be honest, I could never get over my hatred for cats.)
For too long, I was so worried about the future. I worried about finding a husband. I worried about what kind of girl I needed to be to attract the kind of man I wanted to marry. I worried about whether my friends and family would approve and actually like him. I worried about whether or not he was going to be able to live with my “imperfections.” Clearly, I worried a lot.
It wasn’t until the summer I decided to stop worrying and just live my life without the thought of finding a husband, that I actually did find my husband. Or rather, he found me. I used to pray that God would bring a guy into my life who didn’t need a flirty girl, cause I really didn’t know how to flirt. I also was the type to have lots of crushes, so I told God that the best way was probably to bring a guy into my life who I wasn’t expecting or who wasn’t on my radar. And bam, there was Stuart. Someone I didn’t even know was single, (therefore not on my radar) and who I was just being myself and a friend to, (therefore no flirting) and clearly both things worked out:
All of the worrying never did anything for me. It was the act of giving up the worry that actually freed my life to be able to prepare me for a relationship. So you’d think I’d learned my lesson through dating, marrying, getting a puppy with, and just living 2 years of life in general with Stuart…
And then I got pregnant. Woah, are there a LOT of things to worry about when you’re pregnant!! It could keep you up at night EVERY night if you let it. “Luckily,” during my first trimester, I was so tired and nauseous I didn’t really do much but sleep and feel miserable. Not much time to think about all the things that could go wrong, when all you can think about is what possible food to force feed yourself without it coming back up. But now…I’m feeling better, starting to show, and the whole world knows there’s a baby in my tummy. (Or at least my whole world.) Even my little nephew Griffin knows there’s a baby in there…and of course wanted to see my tummy to make sure it was for real.
Soon there will be genetic testing and some gross sugar drink I have to gulp down, and even though I’m through the first trimester, I’m far from being out of the woods. And then when the baby is born…talk about things to worry about! I have to care for a human being who is completely helpless!! O.M.G.
So you can see my point (or maybe you’re totally confused and wanting to sign me up for therapy)…there will ALWAYS be something to worry about, and if I let it, it could drive me INSANE. But as I learned through my relationship with Stuart, the BEST place to put my worry and anxiety is in the hands of my Maker. He knows what’s going to happen tomorrow, the next day and every day after that. He knows what’s going to happen with this baby throughout the rest of my pregnancy, and throughout this little one’s life. And the good news is that as much as I already love this little person, all of his or her 5 inches, God loves them immensely more than that! So much so that He can protect them so much more than all the worrying, overprotection, obsession I would do ever could.
All He asks me to do is lay my burdens at His feet and rest in His peace. Even if God only has a few days planned in this little one’s life, I still need to trust His plan. This little life does not belong to me. He or she is on loan to me, to raise them in a way that is pleasing to their Maker, and then to entrust them back to Jesus when they are old enough.
In 1 Samuel 1:27, Hannah pleads for God to give her a son, and promises that if He answers her request, she will give her son back to the Lord. That’s the mindset I want to have with my children. Just like we send kids to school to learn their ABC’s, God has sent me a child to teach about His love for them, His sacrifice on the cross, and what kind of life they should live in order to be pleasing to the Him.
God has an amazing plan for my child’s life. That plan may look different than the one I’d make for him or her, but this child belongs to Jesus, not to me. If I can give up my worry, and simply entrust my child’s life to Jesus, I will be able to better enjoy who they are and who they become, without trying to control every step of their life.
I’m sure that’s a lot easier said than done, (you mothers out there can probably attest to that) especially when you actually have a living, breathing child in your arms. When all you want to do is protect them, and let no harm ever come to them. But I hope as I learn how to be a mom, God can use that experience to teach me more about being His daughter and His servant.
Because more than being a mom, more than being a wife and more than being a friend, I am most importantly the daughter of the Most High King, and out of that identity needs to come every other aspect of who I am.